The thing nobody tells you about crushes

Do you remember growing up with a crush? A person at school or a pop star or a film star. And you would think about them and swoon over them. People would tease you over it but it would be an innocent thing, right?

But did you cry yourself to sleep over them? Would you feel like your heart is torn into a million pieces because you can't have them? Would you pretend to be enjoying a social situation when all you are actually is doing is getting yourself worked up thinking about them? Would you feel upset or hate at any show of romance in real life or fiction?

Because I've had that kind of crush. What nobody told me about crushes is sometimes they crush you.

I've never been in a relationship with anyone but I would say I've had 3 serious crushes in my life. Each felt more tortuous than the last. I don't know what it is like to have your heart broken by someone you love, but I believe that the crushes have hurt me enough to feel like I can empathise with the heart broken.

I will try to just tell you a little bit about them and how they dissipated but not too much  as I don't know who could read this. The first showed me what a gentleman was like. He made me realise that that was what I want in a man. He fell in love with someone who...I had a problem with, but I think the lust for him disappeared when I came across my second crush. In my heart I have forgiven the girl and I wish them every happiness together now. It is very lifting when you decide to do that about someone.
The second listened to me. We had similar interests and he was perceptive. I thought this crush was awful. I only knew him for a month but he left quite the impression. I found out he was gay (which I had suspicions about) through stalking him on twitter (hey, I'm openly admitting it). That seemed to get rid of that crush.
The last was the worst. I saw this person so often they were a big part of my life in a way. Problem was, he was in a very long term relationship. The way he would talk about her sometimes would make me think there was trouble in paradise. It gave he hope. He treated me like no one else had and that had a huge impact on me. He was just being courteous but my heart took it the wrong way. I would cry about him so much. It was complete torture. After a year though it finally disappeared. His behaviour changed and I think that helped. Again I wish him and his girlfriend every happiness in their future together.

I never want a crush again. At least nothing like those ones.

To end this post I'm going to share some songs that I felt reflected my heartache (I know people say you should listen to songs that reflect when you are feeling down but we all so so I think it must be part of the healing process) and songs that empowered me after them.

Songs that hurt:
Heaven Knows by The Corrs
Are We There Yet? By Ingrid Michaelson
Love is All Around Us by Moje 3
Hear Me Out by Girls Aloud
Find Love by Mans Zelmerlow
Amazing by Tanja
Black Hole by Ana Johnsson
Autumn Leaves by Daniel Kajmakoski
Soldier of Love by Emmelie de Forest
Wildfire by Fahrenhaidt
Boom! By Simple Plan
I'd Do Anything by Simple Plan
I'm Stupid by Ana Johnsson
My Heart is Broken by Evanescence
Never Surrender by Skillet

Songs that help:
When the Heartache is Over by Tina Turner
Coz I Can by Ana Johnsson
Coming Out Strong by Ana Johnsson
Dark Runs Out by Amy Stroup
Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson
Without You by Ingrid Michaelson
Phoenix by Molly Sanden
Poem to a Horse by Shakira
Now it's Gone by Ana Johnsson
This is War by Ingrid Michaelson

Have you had a similar thing happen to you? It would be nice to know I'm not alone in this.

Lotty
xx

October review

Well I didn't exactly do blogtober as planned. I realise now that I should have got everything planned and ready before the end of the first week as I went on holiday the second week. Here's a little update on what happened in Whitby and my TBR.

TBR
Well I read Mother Knows Best and I finished The Woman in Black on the 1st November. Two books is good for me. I think even if I had started MKB on the 1st October (I started it on the 7th and even then only read one chapter and didn't read more until the 13th) I would have still only just finished reading The Woman in Black as I've been ill the last couple of days which is how I've been able to read it as I lie in bed.

I don't know whether I will try The Hazel Wood or The Cruel Prince yet or read other books instead. I'll post a November TBR when I know.

Whitby
We all went on the ghost walk the second night I was there. They weren't running the Dracula walk until the night we left but as there were students studying Dracula, the guide kindly combined the two together.

We didn't do a boat trip and I didn't go into Bothams bakery and get a lemon bun or anything else for that matter. Also my car had a problem and was in a garage the day we walked to Robin Hood's Bay so we walked the Cinder Path there but felt it was too late to walk the Cleveland trail back for me to pick up my car. Although the bus we got back had commentary on the local area and history which it didn't have the last time. I feel all buses should have it.

I went to Pannet Park and the Museum. It was amazing. The rates they charge are really sensible and your ticket lasts a whole year. The museum had a good selection of everything from fossils, to taxidermy, excavations and models (and the Hand of Glory!).

 

The only downside was lots of the exhibits had really old placards which was a nice touch but unattractive to read so I didn't read any of them really. The cafe downstairs was themed to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and it was done so well. I only ordered hot chocolate but it came in a jug with a cup which was beautiful.

We did visit the beach to scavenge for jet but the weather wasn't pleasant. I picked up black pieces but I think it is all coal. We went to the jet museum and the lady there said to rub it with a nail file and if the black comes off then it's coal. If I was to find jet, she said to go to their shop and they would value it and set it in silver if I wanted which is good as I wondered who would do that for me if I was to find any.

I also missed out on Halloween as I was ill, so I'm hoping to have a gothic Christmas evening soon to make up for it. I might do a blog post about it.

How was your October?

Lotty

xx